“Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are
all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
?Nicholas Sparks

Today, Marc came home with roses for me.  “What are these for?” I asked.  He said several men at a local entrepreneurship meet-up he attended this afternoon were complaining about their wives and family life.  “I just kept thinking about how lucky I am… how lucky WE are,” he continued.  “After more than a decade of living and working together, and marriage, and all the ups and downs, I honestly still had nothing to complain about.  I just sat there in silence and smiled.”

Of course, this made me smile too, so I gave Marc a huge hug.

This evening when I sat down to brainstorm some ideas for a new post, Marc’s story about the other men’s complaints kept echoing through my mind.  And this got me thinking about all the failed relationships and marriages I’ve witnessed over the years, and what they had in common.  So I started jotting down notes, and before I knew it I had the perfect outline for this post – six things every couple should stop doing.

If your relationship with your partner doesn’t feel as healthy and happy as it once did, there’s a good chance you both need to STOP…

1.  Being too busy to be present with each other.

The best gift you can give someone you love is the purity of your full presence.  Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.”  If you do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with your partner, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.

To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire and put your full attention on your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale feels like.  Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings.  Simply accept and breathe.  Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to feel more natural.  This way, when you are in the thick of a deep conversation with your partner, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to fully connect and compromise.

Bottom line:  Be Present.  Give your partner your full attention.  Let them see their own beauty in your eyes.  Let them find their own voice through your listening ears.  Help them discover their own greatness in your presence.  (Read The Power of Now.)

2.  Feeling too comfortable to compliment each other.

The secret to a healthy, lasting relationship is not about how many days, months, or years you’ve been together, it’s about how much you truly love each other every day.  You must directly express this love through your words and actions.  It seems like such a small thing, but in our busy lives we often forget that a kind word, a helping hand, or just a smile and a quick “thank you” can create a bright spot in your partner’s life.

Relationships last a lifetime only when two people make a choice to keep it and work for it.  Tell your partner you love them every night, and prove it every day.  These acts of love don’t need to be extravagant; they just need to be true.

Also, acknowledging and appreciating each other’s daily victories is one of the most loving things two people can do for each other.  So before going to bed every night, take a moment to openly discuss and appreciate three things you each accomplished during the day, no matter how small.  Compliment each other and celebrate together.  What we focus on expands.  What we appreciate, appreciates in value.

3.  Resisting compromise.

Good relationships don’t just happen, and they aren’t built solely on a foundation of convenience.  They take time, patience, effort, and two people who want to be together and are willing to meet in the middle.  When there’s a disagreement, they work out a solution that works for both parties – a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change or completely give in.

Ultimately, love is when another person’s happiness is equally as important as your own.  It’s not only about romance, candle-lit diners and walking hand in hand; it’s about a lifetime of commitment and cooperation.  Two people don’t stay in love because they sleep in the same bed, but because they share the same foundation of honesty, trust, and respect.  (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  Wanting to be right.

When it comes to closest relationships, you don’t always have to be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong.  Ask yourself, “Does it really matter?”  Oftentimes it’s far better to be kind than to be right.

Express your opinions freely and politely with your partner, remembering that if your purpose is to ridicule or prove them wrong, it will only bring bitterness into your relationship.  Respecting their opinion, without judging or jumping to conclusions, always carries more weight than simply being right.

Bottom line:  Life is so much better when you focus on being happy together, rather than worrying about who is more right as an individual.

5.  Hiding personal flaws and problems from each other.

You attract a person by the qualities you show them, you keep them around based on the qualities you truly possess.  Problems and flaws are a part of everyone’s life.  If you try to hide them, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to truly know you and love you fully.

As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you believe you are, you don’t have to hide the imperfect pieces of yourself from your partner.  They see your flaws as features that make you interesting, and they see your problems simply as a sign that you’re human too.

By hiding things from your partner, you allow small problems to escalate and dominate both your life and your relationship.  If you make a mistake, it might be irritating, but don’t bury it inside you.  Be open about it, address it, and move on.  Our problems are really our blessings if we use them to grow stronger, both as individuals and as couples.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

6.  Trying to get even, as a replacement to forgiveness.

Getting even doesn’t help a relationship heal.  If you’re feeling pain, don’t take action that creates even more pain.  Don’t try to cover darkness with darkness.  Find the light.  Act out of love.  Do something that will enable you to move forward towards a more fulfilling reality.

If your partner makes a mistake that hurts you, and you want your relationship to grow beyond it, you have to start with forgiveness.  Without it, the potential for long-term happiness in a relationship is impossible.

You don’t forgive your partner because you’re weak; you forgive them because you’re strong enough to know that human beings make mistakes.  Forgiveness is giving up your craving to hurt them for hurting you.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened.  It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move forward with your life… and hopefully move forward with your relationship too.

Afterthoughts

The greatest relationships take a great deal of work.  They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves.  They thrive only when two people make an effort and take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their heads and hearts.

Keep in mind that every couple has ups and downs, every couple argues, and that’s the way it should be – you’re a partnership, and partnerships can’t function without regular communication and compromise.  When you don’t talk it out, there’s a lot of important stuff that ends up not getting said.

And, above all, remember that it’s not all about you.  There is greatness in doing something you dislike for the sake of someone you love.

Your turn…

What relationship mistakes would you add to this post?  What should every couple stop doing to each other?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

Photo by: Nattu

All the time given to you in life is valuable; you just have to know what to do with it.  Let’s make it count.  Shall we?

Starting today, spend more time…

1.  Thinking for yourself.

The uneducated belief in something false that someone tells you is the greatest enemy of your own truth.  Do not let anyone tinker with the freedom of your mind.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to think for yourself.  With all of society’s influences and agendas incessantly trying to persuade you every single second, thinking for yourself is the most courageous act imaginable.  You are a unique human being with independent thoughts and free will; carry on accordingly.

2.  Being a little bit uncomfortable.

If you’re not a little bit uncomfortable on a daily basis it means you’re not growing.

Every aspect of physical and emotional growth arrives from outside your comfort zone.  So be fearless sometimes.  Have the courage to take the risks that feel right.  Go where there are no certainties.  Stretch yourself and your routines even if it means feeling a bit uncomfortable.

The road less traveled is sometimes laden with potholes, bumps, and unexplored territory.  But it is on this road where your strength grows and your dreams gradually reveal themselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

3.  Taking baby steps in the right direction.

Throughout this beautiful day you have hundreds of little opportunities to move your life in the direction you want it to go.  When was the last time you woke up and realized that today could be the best day of your life?

Participate in your dreams today.  Do it!  Take one small step forward; there are plenty of ways to do so.  Remember, success is something you experience when you act accordingly.  Success is not something you HAVE, it’s something you DO.

4.  Trying and failing and trying again.

Stick to it and keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough.  One of the most common causes of long-term failure is the habit of quitting after a temporary defeat.

Many of your greatest achievements will be realized when you’re completely exhausted and discouraged but still working.  Because when it’s all said and done, it really doesn’t matter if you try and try and try, and fail and fail and fail, until you eventually learn what you need to know to succeed.  It does matter, however, if you try and fail once and fail to try ever again.

Bottom line:  You only have to succeed the very last time.  Read The Success Principles.

5.  Working through your fears.

How you handle your fears will ultimately determine where you go and what you do with the majority of your life – to experience life fully or be incapacitated by the fear of it.

Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other one thing in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems.  Fear is only as deep as your mind allows.  You are still in control.  The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it.  You must step right up and confront it face to face.  This tactic robs fear of its power.

6.  Seeking happiness from within.

A choice, not circumstances, determines happiness.  Your happiness isn’t out there somewhere waiting for you, it’s already within you.

Each morning when you open your eyes, say to yourself:  “I, not external people or events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.  It’s up to me.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t come yet.  I have just today and I’m going to be happy in it.”

7.  Practicing small acts of kindness.

Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.”

If you have big plans that can make a real impact in the lives of the masses, by all means, execute your plans.  But don’t let these big plans interfere with the small deeds you can do every day for the people around you.  If you wait until you can do something big for everyone, instead of just something small for someone, you’ll end up doing nothing at all for anyone.

8.  Tracking and measuring your progress.

You are always moving toward something, but YOU have to decide what that something is.  Don’t let someone else decide for you.  From where you stand now you can go anywhere.  There are paths leading in every imaginable direction.  What matters the most right now is the next step you take.

Decide what you truly want for yourself and those closest to you, and know that there is a way, right now, to begin the journey of getting there.  When your intentions and actions have a specific, focused purpose, each step you take will carry you closer to the realization of that purpose.  Read The Power of Habit.

9.  Letting small annoyances go.

Today, go through your day consciously.  Make an effort to notice at least one insignificant little frustration that you would normally get frustrated about.  Then do yourself a favor and simply let it go.  Experience, in this little way, the grand freedom of being in control of the way you feel.  And realize that you can extend this same level of control to every situation you encounter in life.

At any given moment, the way you feel is the way you choose to feel, and the way you react is the way you choose to react.

Photo by: SnaPsi

We’re all way too busy.  We live and work in an age with infinite online and offline demands on our time and attention.  And the end result is that we’re left little free time for us to just breath and be.

If you’re anything like me, you wish there were a few more minutes in every day.  Well the good news is there are always minutes to be saved and various ways to save them.  Save enough of them every day, and you’ll have a few extra hours at the end of the week.  In this article I discuss 30 of my favorite ways to save 30 minutes a day.

Sometimes our days are so crammed with things to do that an extra 30 minutes at the end of the day represents the difference between sanity and insanity.  I use each of the tips below to save time and remain sane on a daily basis.

Perhaps the very best question that you can memorize and repeat, over and over, is, “what is the most valuable use of my time right now?”
– Brian Tracy

1. Group similar tasks back-to-back. – Switching gears between different types of tasks can be tough.  It takes most people several minutes to get into a productive mental groove geared toward a speficic type of task.  Therefore, it makes sense to group similar tasks in an effort to minimize the number of rough patches, and thus wasted time, between task orders.
2. Use productive shortcuts. – People who claim that there are no productive shortcuts in life have been brainwashed.  There are productive shortcuts for almost everything you do.  Finding and using them can save you a few minutes here and there on a daily basis.  If you use a computer, learn the keyboard shortcuts for the programs you use most often.  If you can permanently delegate one of your regular tasks to someone else, do it.  Is there a route to work with less traffic?  Where can you hit two birds with one stone?
3. Eliminate all distractions for a set time. – Distractions  are everywhere.  They arrive via email, cell phone, coworker inquiry, etc.  I’ve found that cutting out all distractions for a set time is one of the most effective ways to get things done in less time.  You can’t remain in hiding forever, but you can be nearly four times as productive while you are.
4. Narrow the number of ventures you’re involved in. – Productivity is not usually my challenge, narrowing the number of ventures to be productive in is.  Even when you have the knowledge and ability to access super-productive states, you get to a point where being simultaneously super-productive on too many fronts at once causes all activities to slow down, stand still and sometimes even slide backwards.
5. Plan ahead and start early. – 10 minutes of dedicated time planning each evening will save you from 30 minutes of ad-hoc preparation each morning.  Likewise, starting your morning on purpose 30 minutes early will likely inject at least 60 additional productive minutes into your day.  Think about it.
6. Organize your space. – How much time do you think the average person wastefully spends searching for items they’ve misplaced?  Keeping both your living and working spaces organized will undoubtedly save you 30 minutes daily.
7. Productively use waiting time. – Waiting time does not have to be wasted time.  When you are waiting at the doctor’s office, the post office, or on hold for the next available representative, what simple tasks could you complete while you wait?  How about sorting through your snail mail, writing those thank you notes you’ve been putting off, reading the book you keep meaning to read, reviewing and editing your to-do lists, etc.
8. Handle two minute tasks immediately. – “The 2 Minute Rule” is single greatest tip I picked up from David Allen’s book, “Getting Things Done.”  If you roughly estimate that a task is going to take you less than two minutes to accomplish, do it right now.  It’s a waste of time and energy to keep small tasks like this on your to-do list on in the back of your mind.
9. Ask more questions. – The trial and error process can be a huge waste of time.  Often people view asking questions and relying on others as a weakness, but they are sadly mistaken.  Asking questions will bring you closer to the people around you and likely save you a huge chunk of time.  Win-win.
10. Buy in bulk and cook in bulk. – Buying stuff and cooking food are two of the most common unplanned consumptions of time.  Most people buy replacements in small amounts only when they need them and think about food only when they’re hungry.  The problem is these issues will often arise at inopportune times.  The most efficient way I’ve found to counteract this is by doing bulk loads of both.  I know I’ll always need gas in my vehicle.  So instead of putting in $25 here and $25 there, I top off my tank every time I’m at the station regardless of the sticker shock.  Likewise, I know I’m going to be hungry at lunch time every day this week.  So on Sundays I’ll grill up five extra chicken breasts and make a chicken wrap or sandwich for every day of the week.
11. Pick-up the phone. – We’ve become so accustomed to communicating digitally, sending emails, IMs and texts, etc. that we sometimes forget that we can get the same tasks accomplished in a fraction of the time with one or two quick phone calls.
12. Don’t mindlessly browse online ad infinitum.  – Web browsing is one of the immense black holes in time spending.  Before you realize it, you may have spent hours browsing while generating very little value.
13. Standardize common tasks. – If you find yourself performing the same set of tasks on a regular basis then it makes sense to establish an efficient, standardized way of accomplishing them.  Are certain tasks easier to perform in the morning?  Are there additional resources that can be utilized only at a certain time?  It’s up to you to find an efficient pattern, standardize it and follow it.
14. Make better usage of commute times. – Listen to audio books, make calls, do some proactive time planning, etc.  I use Evernote on my iPhone and capture tons of ideas and thoughts when I’m commuting and traveling on business.
15. Write things down. – Nobody’s memory is perfect.  If you don’t take notes and setup to-do lists for yourself you will end up wasting minutes of time trying to remember things that would have taken you seconds to write down.
16. Consolidate all daily errands into one trip. – Consolidate all of your errands into one trip instead of driving back and forth several times from home to the store to home to the bank to home, etc.
17. Stop overanalyzing things.  – There comes a time when you have to stop evaluating something and just bite the bullet and do it.  Contemplating taking action isn’t taking action.  It gets nothing accomplished.
18. Exercise daily. – I know it sounds counter-intuitive.  You have to spend time exercising.  But, research has shown that exercise boosts cognitive function, creativity, problem solving and productivity.  In fact a NASA study showed employees who exercised daily worked at 100% efficiency after seven hours, while those who didn’t saw a 50% drop, meaning it took them twice as long to accomplish the same thing.
19. Use a timer. – I use a timer to limit the amount of time I spend on daily tasks such as email, retuning calls, cranking through my to-do lists, etc.  This keeps me from getting overly distracted from the truly important tasks I must accomplish during the day.
20. Do what you don’t want to do first. – If you do the tough tasks first when your mind is fresh, you’ll get them done quicker and be on to the next thing in no time.
21. Harness the power of teamwork. – I heard a story once about some horses that were in a competition to see which could pull the most weight.  One horse pulled 3,000 lbs and another one pulled 4,000 lbs.  Someone suggested the horses team together to see how much they could pull.  Most guesses were in the 7,000 lb to 10,000 lb range but when those two horses worked together, they pulled an amazing 20,000 lbs.  That’s the power of teamwork.  Good teamwork can get a large project completed in an amazingly short amount of time.
22. Just say NO!  – While saying yes can take us down some wonderful roads, there’s also a ton of value in saying “no.”  We’re only given a certain amount of hours in our lives; do you really want to give yours away so easily?  If you don’t have to time to commit to a new project, complete a favor, or serve on another committee, it’s a good idea to just say “no.”
23. Focus your attention on one thing at a time.  – Cutting out multitasking (or “multi-slacking” as I call it) leaves you to focus more intently on one task and finish it to completion, rather than having many tasks started and nothing finished.
24. Pare down your e-mail inbox. – As a first step, cancel any e-mail newsletter subscriptions that you do not read anymore.  If you subscribe to more than one newsletter in a certain category (e.g. tech newsletters), choose the one that delivers the most value to you on a daily basis and get rid of the rest.  The e-mail inbox should only be for priority communication, otherwise it just wastes your time.
25. Use time multipliers. – Effective delegation of lower priority tasks is a time multiplier.  Eliminating time wasting activities is a time multiplier.  Screening phone calls can be a time multiplier.  By practicing creative procrastination on anything that doesn’t propel you toward your goals, you can multiply the amount of time you have to achieve those goals.
26. Relocate closer to your place of employment. – In every major city in the world there are people traveling over an hour to reach their work destination from home.  This is a huge chunk of time that could be used far more productively.
27. Turn off the TV. – Nuff said.
28. Use technology to automate tasks. – From creating email filters, to automatically backing-up your hard drive, to automatic bill paying.  The more you can automate, the more time you’ll save.
29. Keep it simple. – Keep your to-do lists and planning simple, and don’t waste time playing with new tools, etc.  There’s always going to be shiny programs that promise to make your day faster and more efficient.  Stick with one, and learn to rely on it.
30. Spend minutes now to save hours later. – During happy hour last Friday I spent some time listening to one of my colleagues confess her utter distaste for the Windows 7 Start menu.  “The system is organized all wrong.  The programs I need are buried and the ones I never use are right at my finger tips.  I waste so much time digging through menus,” she said.  “But you can easily rearrange that,” I replied.  She looked down with a despondent expression on her face.  “I know,” she said.  “Someone else told me that too, but I haven’t taken the time to figure it out.”  Bottom line:  Sometimes you have to spend a few minutes now to save hours of grief in the future.

What did I leave off the list?  Please share your favorite time saving tips with us in the comments area below.

Photo by: Xava Du

You know you are on the right track in life when you become disinterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step.

Think about that for a moment, and ask yourself: What does my happiness feel like?

Over the years, Marc and I have asked you to join us in examining the relationship between happiness and hardship.  Hardship feels easy to define – a season of financial struggle, a time of personal loss, a period of life marked by tragedies – as the source of ongoing frustration in our lives.  But happiness?  What exactly is the emotion we call happiness and why do we crave it so badly?

When trying to define happiness, it’s tempting to adopt the “I’ll know it when I see it” mindset.  I have no doubt that you will – but Marc and I challenge you to dig a bit deeper.  Take just a moment to write down 2–3 specific action steps that you know make you feel happy.

These are what I have written down.  For me, my happiness comes from time spent with my loved ones and on the work I deem important.  Spending quality, uninterrupted time with Marc and our son Mac brings me great joy.  I also find that I am flush with happiness after I’ve conquered a long blog post or read a heartfelt email from a long-time reader.

But here’s the real secret to happiness: what makes me happy may not make you happy.  Perhaps your true happiness comes in the silence of an afternoon of meditation, or maybe you find happiness at the end of a long hike up a mountain.  Where you find joy is not as important as understanding how you find joy.

In some of our recent blog posts, Marc and I have pushed you to define the obstacles in your life – the struggles standing between you and happiness.  Defining our obstacles gives them clarity, and it helps us chart the path to conquering them.  The same holds true for happiness: in defining specific actions that drive our happiness, we learn to build those activities into our daily lives.

When we know how to get to happiness, we can be sure that we make it a regular part of our day.

Take time today to define happiness for yourself.  If you’ve been making a habit of looking to others for what makes YOU happy, it’s time to give that up.  I promise, doing so will make you happier almost instantly.

How do I know this is true?  Well, let me ask you this: Have you ever met a happy person who regularly avoids responsibility, blames and points fingers and makes lots of excuses for their unsatisfying life?  Me either.  Happy people accept responsibility for how their lives unfold.  They believe their own happiness is a byproduct of their own thinking, beliefs, attitudes, character and behavior.

You’ve really got to stop worrying so much about what others think.  I may find happiness in my writing, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be a writer to be happy.  Shut out all the judgmental and well-meaning voices, and listen to yourself only for a while.  And don’t worry if your definition of happiness seems incomplete – embracing happiness is an ongoing process.

If you find yourself needing support in that process of embracing happiness, help is here.  Today, with great excitement, Marc and I are pleased to announce the grand opening of Getting Back to Happy, a comprehensive online course designed to teach you about the scientifically proven factors that impact happiness.  This course provides a detailed, step-by-step plan for improving your confidence, strengthening your approach to relationships, and learning constructive methods for dealing with conflict and adversity as you pursue your most important goals.  We invite you to join the supportive Getting Back to Happy community as you learn to define happiness on your own terms.

We decided to create Getting Back to Happy because we wanted to provide even more value to YOU.  Earlier this year, we reflected on how else we can help our readers delve deeper into the principles of happiness that propel positive change in all our lives.  We searched for a fresh opportunity and found it by sorting through thousands of our blog’s comments and emails.

People like you send us messages every day asking for a more in-depth exploration into the topics we write about on our blog.  We’re able to help some folks with this deeper dive through our one-on-one coaching, but that form of engagement is limited by only so many hours in the day.

We also receive a lot of encouragement to do live weekend seminars about the principles and rituals of happiness.  That idea is very exciting, although with an infant son, we’re not quite ready for it yet.  So, we decided to blend the concept of coaching with the concept of an event into a new, amazing, immersive experience for you.

Getting Back to Happy truly is the go-to resource for anyone serious about taking action to reclaim their happiness and realize their full potential.

We’ve come to appreciate that happiness is much more than just an emotion; it’s a path to growth and fulfillment.  Overcoming daily struggles and life stresses isn’t easy.  Action is necessary to reclaim the happiness you deserve.  Action is required to realize your goals and dreams.  Getting Back to Happy takes all of the proven principles we discuss on our blog and in our book, and provides a clear course of action to change your life.

If you’d like to be among the first to gain access, we want to offer you something special.  As an early access member, when you enroll this week (offer ends on Nov. 8), you will also receive $1,900 in bonuses:

• Audio versions of all course lessons – so you can listen and learn on the go too.  ($400 value)
• One hour of two-on-one Skype, FaceTime or phone coaching with both Marc and me – so we can help you with the course material, or any topic you like ($500 value).
• A full year of personalized email support by Marc and me (not outsourced to someone else) – to make sure you’re getting the daily support you need to create the life you deserve ($1,000 value).

Take advantage of this limited time, early access special HERE.

Honestly, Marc and I are so proud of this course.  We filled it with our best advice – advice gathered from firsthand experience, nearly a decade of studying and writing about the psychology of happiness and success, and through coaching thousands of people just like you.  From proven ways to foster stronger relationships, to actions engineered to help you let go of toxic behaviors, to scientifically proven methods of making progress on your personal and professional goals, the learning modules in this course will inspire and equip you to become your strongest, most effective self.

Getting Back to Happy is perfect for you if you identify with the following:

• Things have changed in my life and I don’t know where to go from here.
• I am committed to positive change, but I feel stuck.
• A relationship I am involved in has become toxic.
• My personal and professional growth has stalled and I want to feel excited about what I’m doing again, and make real, lasting progress.
• I am generally content with my life, but there is more I want to accomplish and I don’t want to become a victim of complacency.

The bottom line is that you CAN get yourself back on track.  Inside Getting Back to Happy, you’ll discover what it takes to get back to a happier, simpler life worth celebrating.  It all comes down to a choice – your choice.  Positive change is possible, if you choose to step forward.

So what choice will you make?

If you choose to take control of your circumstances, then we’d love to welcome you into Getting Back to Happy.  We hope you will take advantage of the valuable bonuses mentioned above and join us today.

Your turn…

When it comes to nurturing your own happiness, what gets in your way.  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.

And of course, if you have any questions about Getting Back to Happy, let us know and Marc and I will reply as soon as we can.

Photo by: Stefan Neuweger

I have great news!  Today could be your lucky day.  It’s not a matter of chance, it’s a matter of choice.  Lucky people are ordinary people who make their own good luck by thinking and behaving in ways that create good fortune in their lives.  Here’s what they do differently:

1.)  Lucky people maintain a relaxed attitude that is open and aware.

A study by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman surveyed a bunch of people to find out who considered themselves lucky or unlucky.  Wiseman gave both the ‘lucky’ and the ‘unlucky’ people a newspaper and asked them to look through it and tell him how many photographs were inside.  That’s it.  Luck wasn’t on their minds, just some silly task.

He found that on average the unlucky people took two minutes to count all the photographs, whereas the lucky ones determined the number in a few seconds.  How could the lucky people do this?  Because they noticed a message on the second page that read, “Stop counting.  There are 43 photographs in this newspaper.”  So why didn’t the unlucky people see it?  Because they were so intent on counting all the photographs that they missed the message.

When people are focused on a single task, blocking out every other possibility, they miss chance opportunities that could be important.  Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore they see what is there rather than seeing only what they are looking for.  Unlucky people do the opposite.  They go to parties with the sole intent of finding their perfect partner, and so they miss opportunities to make good friends or meet people who might be able to help them in their careers.  They look through the newspaper determined to find specific jobs, and overlook great openings.

The same principle applies when lucky people meet and chat with other people. They are relaxed and attuned to the opportunities around them. Lucky people see what is there, rather than trying to find exactly what they want to see.

In the real world, you’ve got opportunities all around you.  If your mind is closed, you’re not going to spot them.  Being relaxed and open allows you to see what’s really around and maximize the potential of what’s right under your nose.

2.)  Lucky people use intuition and gut instincts to make successful decisions.

Lucky people simply know when a decision is right.  They trust themselves to decide.  And if they get it wrong, they take it as a lesson learned and then adjust their approach.  In contrast, unlucky people view many of their poor decisions as yet more evidence of how they are always destined to fail.

In his book, The Luck Factor, Dr. Wiseman discusses another study he conducted in which more than a hundred lucky and unlucky people answered a short questionnaire concerning the role of intuition – the rather curious sensation that something we have just done, or are about to do, is very right or very wrong – in their lives.  When it came to luck, intuition mattered.  Lucky people’s gut feelings and hunches tended to pay off time and time again.  In contrast, unlucky people often ignored their intuition and regretted their decisions.

3.)  Lucky people notice little things and solve small problems.

I chatted with an aspiring web application developer recently who was complaining that all the big ideas were being worked on already and that there was nothing groundbreaking left to do.  As he talked, I realized he was referencing massive projects that others were working on that seemed mostly out of reach.  And as I thought about all these ‘grand ideas’ I realized that in most cases they probably didn’t start with a massive plan or project, but rather started by trying to solve a simple problem.  The biggest accomplishments often originate from humble roots, yet not many people realize this.

This is the impression I get when I read about the early stages of companies like Google.  I’m pretty sure Google’s founders didn’t have the goal of organizing the all of the world’s information as their primary focus when they first started – instead they started with a series of smaller problems (problems are potential opportunities) and slowly expanded their end goal from there.

4.)  Lucky people treat their failures as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Everything in life is a lesson.  Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc.  They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’

Never forget to acknowledge the lesson.  If you don’t get a job you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting.  And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.  Lucky people learn from their mistakes.  When ill fortune blocks the path to their goals, they explore other ways of solving the problem and squeeze some benefit from their misfortune.

Unlucky people often dwell on mistakes from the past, obsessing about the bad luck that put them in their present unlucky situation.  But remember, good luck has a lot to do with choice.  Use all of the lessons you have learned to make educated decisions and create good luck for yourself in the future.

5.)  Lucky people appreciate what they have right now.

When you appreciate what you have, what you have appreciates in value.  If you are in the constant habit of feeling and giving gratitude, the world wants to give you more and more.  Pay close attention to the present, many people aren’t so lucky.

You already have some amazing things in your life, whether you realize it or not.  Most of us have incredible family members, friends, other loved ones who love us back.  Learn to appreciate what a miracle that is.  Most of us have good health, which is another miracle.  Most of us have eyes, with which to enjoy the amazing miracles of sunsets and nature and beauty all around us.  Most of us have ears, with which to enjoy music, one of the greatest miracles ever.  Be grateful for each of these things, and more!

Take time every day, throughout the day, to thank life for all that it has given you, to thank others for what they give you, to simply be grateful.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

6.)  Lucky people work toward their goals every day without fail.

The harder you work, the luckier you will become.  Stop waiting around for things to work out on their own.  They won’t.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it.  By ‘working on it,’ I mean truly devoting oneself to the end result.  The rest of us never act on our decision.  Or, at best, we pretend to act on it by putting forth an uninspired, half-assed effort.

If you want good luck in your life, you’ve got to be willing to give it 100% every day.  No slacking off!  Take some advice from one of America’s most influential founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin:  “Diligence is the mother of good luck”.  Achieving your goals and dreams can be a lot of work.  Be ready for it.

7.)  Lucky people help when they’re able.

It’s impossible to help someone else and not get a little help for yourself in the process.

The old saying “what goes around comes around” is definitely true in all walks of life, and it comes around when you least expect it.  In life, you get what you put in.  Remember, luck often comes in the form of help when you need it most, and the best way to ‘grease the rails’ for help when you’ll eventually need it is by helping others right now.

When you help others, don’t expect something in return.  Just enjoy the experience of helping that person and building a stronger personal relationship.  That stronger relationship will likely be there for you in your moments of darkness.

8.)  Lucky people tend to see the positive side of their ill fortune.

They imagine how things could have been so much worse.  For example, research shows that Olympic athletes who win bronze medals are typically happier than their silver medalist counterparts.  This is because silver medalists think that if they had performed slightly better they might have won a gold medal.  In contrast, bronze medalists focus on how if they’d performed slightly worse, they wouldn’t have won anything at all.

Having a positive outlook on life is a must if you are to become a luckier person.  If your outlook on life is doom and gloom, then that’s all you’ll experience.  Fortunately, the opposite is also true.  When you dwell on the negative events in your life, you will experience only the negative.  But when you concentrate on positive events, you will begin to feel much happier and luckier.

You control your luck and your life by controlling your thoughts.  Keep a luck diary.  At the end of each day, spend a couple of moments writing down the positive and lucky things that happened.  Once you get in the habit of seeing the bright side, it will be difficult to see it any other way.

9.)  Lucky people enjoy new experiences and take calculated risks.

If you want more luck, mix it up.  Unlucky people tend to be creatures of habit.  They take the same route to and from work every single day, talk to the same types of people at social functions, and live out the same routine day in and day out.  In contrast, lucky people try to introduce variety into their lives.  They are adventurous.  They take calculated risks.  They are consistently taking action in the face of uncertainty.

When you take small risks, either you succeed or you learn something.  Win-Win.  Take the leap even when you can’t see every last detail coming over the horizon.  Remember, if you never act, you will never know for sure, and you will be left standing in the same unlucky spot forever.

If you need a little push, try playing the dice game.  Make a list of six new experiences – things that you have never done before but wouldn’t mind trying.  Some of the experiences might be fairly simple and others might be more adventurous.  Write down a list of the experiences and number them 1 to 6.  Then, roll a die and carry out whichever experience is selected.  What a fun way to bring new experiences, risk and possibly luck into your life.  Read Feel the Fear… and Do It Anyway.

10.)  Lucky people believe they CAN.

In all walks of life, positive beliefs have the power to become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Lucky people believe they CAN be successful.  Studies have shown that a managers’ positive beliefs and expectations in their staff have a profound effect on the productivity and success rate of their staff.  Likewise, managers who believe in themselves motivate the people around them to perform well and believe in themselves as well, while those with poor expectations cause those around them to become despondent and unproductive.

Positive beliefs and high expectations also motivate lucky people to persist even in the face of considerable adversity; which means they eventually reach the finish line as the other contenders walk back to the starting line.

Conclusion

Those who take responsibility for their own lives and actions know that luck can be created.  Live each day believing in yourself and your ability to be lucky, and over time you will be.  I challenge you to review each bullet point again and think of your own personal luck in recent times.  Think about how lucky you are right now.

Photo by: Suradej Chuephanich